Oct 27, 2011 9:56 PM
This will be my final post on this blog.
Do you know how it feels to smile at someone and not realise that you have a dagger waiting to stab you in the heart? I didn't know how awful it felt until today.
I had told N that our friendship have to have an expiry date. I told him that we should enjoy the next 3 months and when we come back from our ski trip, I can't see him anymore. It's something I knew had to be done however difficult it's going to be.
My friends told me that I can never do it. I can never bear to erase him out of my life. It's all talk and no action. I secretly believed them.
So he talked to me this morning and I completely lost touch with the world. I was having lunch with friends but all I cared about was my conversation with him. There I was tapping on my phone while my friends laugh and talk about their issues. It seemed as though I'd hit the mute button. He told me maybe we can meet in town later.
I cannot help but feel excited. I've always loved seeing him, talking to him and I loved it when he teases me about my affairs with designers. And so I took a cab back with Charlotte and started getting ready to meet him. I went through my entire closet, hoping to find something to wear. I fix my hair, my skin, packed my clothes for work the next day.
After getting ready I took a cab downtown to Orchard road. It was raining and I was carrying my heavy bag. I remember he told me he has a hard time falling asleep, so I got him something I hope would help him. And as I was walking on the streets he texted me where he was. And it was farway. So I ran in the rain in Dior and Chanel. I didn't care if my shoes were ruin.
A train ride later I met him at a cafe. There he was, sitting in his lovely blazer and book looking all suave. I thought to myself, god I have to catch my breathe and enjoy the evening with him. We got talking and I mentioned about someone on his Facebook page named B. He laughed and said why are you such a busybody. I was willing to ignore my jealousy and just enjoy whatever time I have set for myself until the expiry of our friendship. Not until B showed up.
At first it seemed unreal. So there they are, talking about how his friend died in an accident in Thailand. And I was getting in an accident myself right there on the cold satan seat. I felt sorry for him, it's tragic and my heart sincerely went out to him. N was telling him how desperate people are to be willing to get out of bed in midnight for a phone. Did he know I'm out of those people who has a 4am appointment? I couldn't feel more humiliated.
But I was shocked. I had no clue B was joining us. Even if they are friends, I would love to have a heads up. But my sixth sense told me N was dating the guy. So I wondered, do I continue to sit there like a complete idiot or should I preserve what's left of my pride and leave. I chose to leave. I told myself it's the last time I'd ever allow myself to see N. So I sat there, remembering his voice his smile his eyes. After soaking up what I can remember of him, I stood up and left.
I wandered around the streets, I didn't know how to feel. I wanted to cry, I wanted to just stop walking and let it all out.
Maybe he wanted our friendship to end more badly than I did. I did what was necessary. We have no common hangouts, no common friends and we will have no way of contacting each other anymore.
I have nothing to remember him by. No gifts, no cards, no pictures together. But I know I still wish him the best. Regardless of how little he thinks of me.
p.s. Earlier in the week I went to a club with him. I was having gastric pain since morning but I wanted to see him. So I went out and met him and his friend. I lied about not having to work the next day because I didn't want him to feel bad. I went home at 4am, and back to work at 6.30am.
The things I do, just to be a part of his life.